Regardless of whatever reason a person gives for attending a computing conference, everyone knows that there’s one simple reason we’re all here: free shit. Indeed, the concept of getting free stuff just for listening to some guy drone on about his software has helped to turn these conventions into the extremely large events that we know today. However, as the size of these events grows, so do the number of vendors and as a result, the amount of swag to be gathered. This increase, however, can sometimes make it more difficult to reach all of the vendors and as a result lead to a decrease in the amount of free stuff gathered. In this post, I hope to describe how you can maximize your swag gathering while minimizing actual time spent at each booth.

What is Swag?

Before you can hope to begin collecting swag, it’s important to understand what swag is. While no one can remember the origins of the word (though most scholars agree it likely came from the Latin “swagimus gratisimus,” meaning “tons of free shit”), many of the worlds brightest minds have come up with a list of possible translations, including:

• Some Worthless Advertising Gimmick
• Stuff We All Get
• Stolen Without A Gun

However, the most commonly accepted meaning is:

• So What, Another Giveaway?

In order to help you better understand the concept of swag, I have compiled a short list of “Swag Rules”:

1. It’s not Swag if you have to pay for it. This has sometimes been debated, but usually by people considered “Not all there in the head” by leading experts. After a few drinks, however, the prognosis usually degrades to “He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talkin’ about!” However, it provides a good segway into the second rule, which is:
2. It is Swag if you were supposed to pay for it. Although many vendors will try and get you to pay for their merchandise, the true Swag Master can still obtain it free of charge. This will be discussed later.
3. Literature and CDs are not Swag. While there are a few exceptions to this rule, by and large most pieces of literatur, discs, and other such things are not considered swag. These objects have a functional role (usually, to inform) and as such, can not be considered true Swag.
4. If it’s not branded, it’s not Swag. If something isn’t bearing the name, logo, or slogan of the company you scored it from, it’s probably not Swag. The logos are particularly important, because they allow you to see, at a glance, which booths you have already visited, and which booths remain to be ransacked.
5. No Swag is unworthy of being snagged. Oftentimes, some people will not bother to collect smaller pieces of swag, especially things such as pens and other similar items, but the true collector knows that such items cannot be passed up.
6. You can never collect too much Swag. Even if you have to purchase an additional suitcase to transport your loot back in, don’t stop picking stuff up until they either run out or kick you out the doors.

Whores vs. Ninjas
In order to reach your true swag gathering potential, there are too techniques that must be mastered. These techniques are Swag Whoring and Swag Ninja-ing. While both the Swag Whore and Swag Ninja desire the same end result (more swag), they approach the situation in different manners.

The Swag Whore is shameless, and will simply walk up and take whatever it is that he or she wants. However, this can sometimes attract negative attention from vendors if you are obviously only interested in the free stuff. Swag Whoring is most effective for collecting sub-swag, as there is always an abundance of it, and no one really cares how much you take. The Swag Ninja, however, is much sneakier, and will obtain items often without the knowledge of the vendor that is giving them away. The Swag Ninja approach is best used for obtaining super-swag.

The Three Kinds of Swag

As alluded in the previous paragraph, there are three kinds of swag to be collected: sub-swag, swag, and super-swag. The first, sub-swag contains the most common items, especially things like pens and pencils, which most every booth has. Secondly, is standard swag, which are items that you might actually care about. These include things such as t-shirts. Finally, super-swag consists of items that most booths don’t have. Plushie mascots are a good example of this.

I may finish this some day, but it’s been sitting in my Drafts section for almost 6 months.